This past week I had yet another 1 hour counselling session to check in with my life , goals , explore accountability and responsibility and of course I fell into and upward to that familiar territory of introspection and self examination .
I admitted my struggles but I have learned to try and not carry shame and bitterness for having to travel
So deep into my self reflection I know my demons well . But I yearn to find comfort in this space
It's taken so much work still to feel
I can connect in meaningful ways with life and reality .
I get in this self pity state . I am still gaining more awareness each moment of myself and my relation to the world .
When the trauma mastery and lense begins to fall aside , I am almost gaurenteed those new levels will reveal more deeper layers of parts of myself I never knew exsisted .
Sometimes I have family and friends still say to me . You are always reading and talking about trauma and your behavioral insights . Always digging deep . They see this process as a maladaptive process . Where I go and tend to naval gaze and self deprecate , annihilate my very relational part to the world and people . I do this still at the expense of losing or harming what relationships and regular normal
Life stuff . Yet I know this process of introspection is part of the greatest growth and over all health I could ever want that works for me .
I get tired of feeling I need to convince people still how important my creative process for survival means .
But I also can get stuck in morbid self reflection as AA literate will state .
So the key is finding a full range and circle of space and time I can thrive and feel in . Both in depth and find lightness in my life .
A constant exchange of moving in and out of a dissociative creative state and managing day to day routine and building structure simultaneously.
So the moments move on and over all I am grateful for chaotic parts of me and the deepnes I carry
I am trying to learn to appreciate the more small tasks in daily routine . Cooking , health , house chores , maintaining connections toon with family and friends .
But I know my limits now .
I had a therapist once day to me .
When and during these transitions I need to learn to consciously set aside the deep processing time I require so it doesn't impact the responsibilities I have for others and life .
I strive to find those creative subtitles in day to day routine but it's challenge.
I know they are there . They do exsist
And I exsist . So that's a beginning .
Peace and love